Even Dreams.

I don’t know why I always blog when I'm in a bad mood. I mean when things are fine and everything is going just normal – not so many times now but you know what I mean – I get ideas for blogs but I never actually work on it, mostly I forget but I also feel that there is no need to write them down. I think its like what A.K Tawfik once said, that writers and poets – and here bloggers – usually write when they are sad or in pain, there is selfishness in people that they don’t write about their happiness, but they write about their pain. 

I won't call it selfishness, its just the need to do something, in my case, I want to keep it civil, I want to cry so hard, I want to scream so loud and go fight with the nearest person. I won't and I can't kill anybody either, so, I have nothing to do but to write. 

Not sure if this is any of your concern, but blogging is more about me, so I'm gonna talk about me. Even if no one read this, I still don’t care, I will still write it. Oh, back to the need to write instead of screaming…

These days are the worst days I ever lived, or will live, and I'm sure it can get worse. If you're Egyptian you will relate the most, and if you aren’t, your country probably has shit too, I mean what's the country that doesn’t have at least a pile of shit at the moment? Economy, politics, or a disaster or any kind? Yeah, the answer is no country, we are all living in the worst times ever. Shit everywhere, war, death, blood and in our case, it has been going on for over a year now, and its not stopping. Not anytime soon.

No one wants to be in a bad mood, and I'm no exception. I want to go out, have fun, study and finish the loads of stuff I need to do, work on my stories, all the stuff anyone would want to do, just go crazy most of the time and sit down and study for a while, then go crazy again. But that’s not the option now.

As I said, we have been in a mess for about a year and a half, some good moments but we are paying for it now, everything is falling down and going to hell, all the plans I made – not only me – are falling apart now. Lets count? Oh, okay, lets count…

Finishing school – finishing my stories – looking for a damn job – LIVING – humm, other stuff I won't share – and more other stuff.

Now, with the hell we are living in, I don’t see any of that happening, not even gonna dream they will happen, because I'm not sure it will. So negative, I know, but nothing to do but to be like that now. Because false hope is THE worst, when you have all the ambition in the world, and all the plans you can get, friends and family, everything you'd ask for as the moment, and, gradually, that’s being taken from you… now, future is being taken as well. And to be honest, I'm tired of the disappointments, I've faith and I won't lose that but in such times you question everything. When nothing is going right and everything is going wrong, when people die and you have nothing to do but to wait for your turn, happily, because you don’t want to live in this damn world again. And when bad people get away with all the shit they do. God, I'm even questioning the fact that I'm alive… am I? 

Or this is all a dream, a bad one? I really hope it’s the answer but I know it is not. Sadly its not. 

Fighting and arguing and thinking non stop for a whole day gets you tired, imagine doing that for over a year! Tired won't even cover it, and above all that, its so far I not worth it. I hate to say that and maybe so many people will disagree with me but, they will agree that we are tired, I'm tired, and future doesn’t seem good to me. So negative, I hear. Yes, I know, thanks Mr/Mrs obvious. 

Live my life and then talk!

Have some hope! I hear again, I freaking do, or I'd be dead now, but… again, things don’t seem good to me. 

I see blood, more blood and more fights, and yes, some stuff deserves the fight, but we also deserve a break. If anyone would recall, every two months, or less we all get depressed and disappointed, shall I count the dead this year or the year before, the blood, the nasty fights, or or or or? 

Yes, I shouldn’t allow grieve and desperation get to me, have faith, and trust God.

I know all that, I really do but I also need a break. Sadly, I can't get it, so instead of a break, its depression time. Or at least for me. 

Like I said, they are taking everything away from us, even our dreams. I can't even work on my dreams now, and all I think about is to give them all up and just leave. Leave this town. But who said it will be better? To leave the fight and just go, not only I'm letting my people down, but who said wherever I'm going will be better? – at least racism rules in some places, while others have economical shit, and and and – no one said, coz even with the crap my home is still better. So, to fight and die, or to leave like a coward. As you see, not too many options, and both aren’t really attractive.

All I want at the moment is to lie down and do nothing but crying. For now, that’s the only thing I feel like doing, empty room, no one around, dark, me alone crying, sounds good.. 

Hopefully I will get better, and well the whole world. I'm not so hopeful about it but, it doesn’t stay the same forever, just, wishing it won't get worse. 

This probably didn’t make any sense, right? Yeah, well, I'm crazy and I wrote it, what is your excuse to read? :P